What am I?

DISCLAIMER: This is going to be a long drawn out post...just so you go into it knowing what you're getting into. You'll probably reach the end and wonder what in the world you just read as there's no point to this post...no rhyme and no reason. You've been forewarned.....


Here I come again with another long overdue life update.

Gosh, you guys....I'm just sitting here with my fingers poised above the keyboard wondering where to start or what to say or even how to say what's in my head.
I think I'll start with a little background...sharing some things I've not shared here on the blog before.
This is something that I don't put out to the general population...not because I'm ashamed or unsure of who I am but rather  because not everyone understands the phenomenon. It's difficult to explain to someone who just doesn't "get it" and also I am just generally a private person.

But, here it is....I am an empath. Actually, I'm a pretty strong empath with mild psychic abilities. If you aren't sure what exactly an empath is then I encourage you to do some research. But, basically, just for the purpose of me getting this blog post down in black and white, an empath is someone who takes on the feelings and emotions of those around them...that is the barest definition and doesn't come close to fully explaining what an empath is or what it encompasses. It's something you are born with...and not something you just decide to be.
Note that there is a significant difference between being empathetic and actually being an empath.
From as early as I can remember I've known I was different and that I could see things in their barest truth. I always knew I could "read people" with an uncanny accuracy. It's all about the energy...I feel people's energy...I also feel the energy of SO many other things...almost everything puts off an energy vibe.
 It wasn't until quite a few years ago that I realized that there was a name for it or that there were other people just like me. And, since then I've done hours upon hours of reading and research just trying to learn and understand why I am the way I am. There is science behind it but I'm not going into all that.

The one thing I have not been able to get a grasp on is shielding...and that just means being able to shield myself from others' emotions.
I could sit here and tell you all day long how very difficult it is to take on the emotions of everyone around you and you will never understand. Heck, some of you may be shaking your heads and thinking that I've finally lost it.
You wouldn't be far from the truth. The past few months have taken their toll on me and my psyche.
I feel things strongly...not just the baggage of others but my own emotions as well. I tend to go all in when I love or care for someone. When they hurt or go through hard times "I" go through the same feelings. And, let's just say that the last few months have been a never ending barrage of worry, stress and heartache....and very little of it my own.
There was the stress of the holidays...2 of my boys laid off between Thanksgiving and New Years and obviously they struggled emotionally as well as financially. Our oldest son went through a heart wrenching break up that I feared would destroy him and myself along with him.  Our next to youngest made the announcement that he planned to move over 2500 miles away from and family. Then there was my own holiday stress of trying to make everything perfect for everyone. I've been sick 3 different times this winter and have a sore throat AGAIN. My oldest son switched from day shift to night shift so I have my 5 year old grandson a lot more often...and I love him and am so thankful for the time I get to spend with him, but he's exhausting. And then there was my brother who is a meth addict who has lived with us for the most part for just over a year now. It would be difficult to live with him in the best of circumstances but as an empath who feels his constant inner turmoil it became more than I could handle. He is diagnosed paranoid delusional not related to drugs or alcohol...he also suffers from an instituionalized personality disorder due to being in prison for so many years. He talks to himself a LOT...he questions absolutely everything, he comments on everything and he is always right. I think he likes to argue but it's mentally exhausting to deal with. His reality is on the opposite spectrum of mine and he refuses to budge...whereas a "normal" person knows that sometimes you have to make compromises and sacrifices in life.
On top of all that...which may not sound as bad as it's actually been....I had to deal with custody issues for my 17 year old niece. It was a lot more stressful and involved than I'd anticipated. I love her probably more than she realizes but she comes with her own set of emotional baggage.
As an empath...every single bit of this "stress" (for lack of a better word) is amplilfied exponentially. And, again, unless you ARE an empath you will not understand.
There are more...many many more... small stresses as well...but I'm not going to go down the entire list.
Heck, I don't even know why I'm even trying to put this all into words. Perhaps I'm subconsciously trying to put it into context for my own self.
My son did move away 2 weeks ago and to say that it has devastated me is to put it mildly. When he drove away it literally brought me to my knees and left me on the ground squalling uncontrollably until I vomited.  It's gotten better but barely.

I began to wonder if I was a freak of some kind because who really feels this broken and lost over a child moving away??
But, then I realized that it's BECAUSE I'm an empath...I become so emotionally vested in those I love (especially my children) that it amplifies every emotion. And, especially with this child because he and I have always had a strong bond. Unusually strong, in fact. And now there's a knot of emotion in my throat that refuses to go away. It is a physical hurt and the grief is unbelievable and unbearable at times.


You know...I don't even know where I'm going with this post. There's really no "point" to it. It's just a jumbled set of thoughts that may make absolutely no sense to anyone other than myself.

I just want to say that I'm getting better. I'm learning to focus and meditate, I'm working on growing spiritually because that is the root of all healing...both physical and mental.
I will come out on top of all this and I'll be happier than ever. But, for now it's a process that I am slowly clawing my way through.

I haven't crafted in months...not really. I did make a couple of Christmas gifts--they were quick projects and didn't even turn out that great.
But, crafting and scrapbooking make me happy so I'm going to do more of that.

Just bear with me, friends...I know I've not been myself the last few months. I've been a terrible wife and friend and not the greatest Mother or Nana....I've just let everything swallow me up. One thing I know is that I am a survivor and I will get through this "slump".  I'm not too proud to ask for prayers, good thoughts, positive energy...so send it my way.

If you've read through this far then you're either a saint or a very good friend...so, thank you!!